Story of an unfulfilled wish
My meditation this morning brought forth memories of a long-forgotten pilgrimage that I embarked on years ago. With a wish in my heart that I never actually wanted to be fulfilled. At the moment, it was everything I wanted in life. It did not feel like a challenge that I cannot bestow. But as years progressed and maturity set in, I realized that this wish will be the doom of me if it ever gets fulfilled.
As that realization set in, so began a series of prayers to undo the damage from my wish. I would pray day and night, without fail, to unsee the doings of my own wish. And one day it happened, the wish came undone. It was over, just like that.
Devastated at first, alone for the first time in years, nowhere and no one to look forward to. It took me a good few months to realize how freeing the end was, and how happy and at peace I am. The burden of an unwanted wish had finally left me.
This morning when I was reminded of that wish again, a very small bit played before my eyes. A bit I had forgotten or maybe my memory of it was blocked since it was a long, exhausting day and all I wanted was to get it over with.
The pilgrimage was meant to be a walk from my hometown to the pilgrimage site almost 30kms away. It’s said that if you set on this journey with a pure heart and unflinching faith, anything you desire will come true. And so I did. I wished with a pure heart for the fulfillment of a relationship that I was hoping would end up in marriage. Love does weird things to our brains, I must say. Young and brainless love.
I walked along with the thousands gathered that day. After a painful journey, we reached near the pilgrimage site. I could see the place standing a mile away. I could see it and imagine reaching there, praying, and giving my legs some rest.
Nothing mattered more than reaching that point. I could feel a surge of happiness flow through me, I could see the same energy flow through the people around me. Call it divine intervention or just plain enthusiasm, but no one could deny the energy one could feel in that place that day. Everyone ecstatically moved towards the intended destination.
Everyone was moving except me. I could see people passing by but not me. I was standing still like a tree. I noticed some strange looks coming my way. That’s when I realized that my legs were not moving. I had stopped walking. I was glued to the ground by some invisible force.
My legs gave up, right before reaching the pilgrimage. All of a sudden the pain from the day-long walk rushed to my knees, crushing them down. I could not move a bit. I kneeled down from the pain. My eyes started searching for my mother. She saw me from behind and came running.
She held my hand and helped me get up. Encouraged me to walk just a few meters so we could rest. I tried, I tried my best but could not move. My legs started shaking. I wanted to walk. I wanted to finish what I started. I struggled. Struggled to take even a step.
My mother has had enough. She immediately summoned a rickshaw standing nearby and asked him to drop us near the site. I protested at first. I tried arguing and asked her to wait. Minutes went by and I still could not move.
It was body over mind. My mind could not overpower the body. I somehow managed to carry my blistered feet and shaky knees onto the rickshaw and finished the last leg of the journey. Without walking.
It was meant to be. Never to be fulfilled. I was crushed at the moment. Cried even. Questioning my belief for days. I should have been stronger. I should have waited for a bit longer. I should have this and that and it went on. And after a while, forgotten.
Now in retrospect, I could not be more glad that my wish never got fulfilled, or else I will be a very different person today.
I will not be here writing about it with a grateful heart. It will be years after this event, that I would realize I never wanted it to happen because that relationship was not good for me. My subconscious mind knew it from the start but it took me years to understand and accept that fact. Somehow I feel, through all this, the universe heard my subconscious feeling even though I didn’t.
It strengthened my belief in the fact that “The universe always has your back.” Even when you don’t give heed to the signs.
That relationship taught me a lot of things. Most important of which was “What not to expect in a relationship?”. I had to unlearn a lot of things that were embedded in my mind. I had to undo a lot of trauma. I had to find myself again because I had no clue who I was as an individual.
To the young and in love person, I have only one piece of advice. Don’t jump into things. Don’t be eager to find that one true love. Find yourself first. Find your belonging. Find your passion. Know your likes and dislikes first. Make your own decisions. Learn, unlearn and explore. Be your own person and then pursue a relationship.
And trust in the universe to bring the right person into your life at the right time. Believe, and it will happen.
Do you trust in the universe?
Have you ever wished for something and you got it, then regretted it later? Comment below.
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This is something beautifully expressed and well-written.
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